How Meditation Transformed My Internal Critic

How Meditation Transformed My Internal Critic
by Sunny Massad, Ph.D.
an excerpt from her forthcoming book: UnTherapy: A Positive Psychology for Enlightened Living

Despite personal triumphs and successes in my life, for many years discontent lurked in the background of my awareness like a nagging parent. An internal voice forever criticized the way I looked and how I performed. I assumed that because my family was broken, I was broken. The more insecure I felt, the more self-deprecating thoughts I had about myself. The more self-deprecating thoughts I had, the more I caused myself to feel inadequate, and thus even more insecure.

I have come to know that inside even the most confident and competent of human beings resides an ever critical voice. I have been driven to find out why this is so and how, despite the sad tales of woe that most everyone can tell of their pasts, the critical judge between the ears might be silenced or transformed.

I dedicated time, money, and energy to the pursuit of perfecting myself. I believed, like so many others, that personal development was a path that ascended upward, so I would inevitably evolve into a permanent state of enlightenment as the result of ”working on” or at least “looking at” myself. This philosophy was based on the fundamental premise that self-improvement was not only necessary, but attainable, and resulted from dedicating time and effort to perfecting the “inadequate” parts of myself. I had not yet learned that aspiring to reach my highest potential was based on the unconscious assumption that I did not have value until I finally reached my goal.

I did not want the white picket fence, the house, the career or even the kids. I wanted peace of mind. I had always believed that if I worked hard enough on myself, took risks, sustained deep relationships, and lived amidst the beauty of nature, I would ultimately outgrow my insecurities. But my fears and judgments often skewed my perceptions and left me feeling as though I would never be good enough, no matter how hard I worked on myself or how wonderful a life I created. This is not a rare experience. It is simply my particular version of an age old story.

Although I was unaware of it at the time, my desire to change and grow, like that of so many others who long to be “fixed” and to be “free,” stemmed from my inability to accept myself, or more precisely, to accept the feelings of vulnerability and fear that I experienced when I lost any familiar structure that provided a sense of security, even if it had been a false one. Although I was an optimist about external things, like always managing to earn enough money to do what I wanted to do, I had been a pessimist about my own internal value. I held a high standard for myself that managed to stay just beyond my reach despite decades of accomplishment. I fell victim to an idealized version of who I believed I should and could become. I should become the embodiment of God, a being I believed would be completely fearless and free of all neurosis. Until I reached my goal, I failed myself. As long as I expected that in the future I would become freer, greater, higher, or more fulfilled, satisfaction eluded me. I was caught in the endless web of chasing after bigger and better desires in the hope that I would find something, someone, or some place that would permanently save me from my insecurities.

I began to question whether self-development, self-improvement or even elevating the health of the personality was the ultimate goal. I would look to the world’s wisest Masters for answers. One of the most profound realizations of my life was the recognition that my identification as a seeker, my commitment to find the Holy Grail some time in the future, deterred me from feeling at peace in the present. My ego was caught up in the chase to “get somewhere.” Because my life was spent in endless preparations for all that I wanted to do, have and become, I missed the beauty and grace of the present and thus the opportunity to feel grateful for everything that was already “right” in my life.

I was raised in a cultural climate that taught me to work hard and be my best, mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually. Personally, I found the pursuit to be exhausting! But exhaustion provided an excellent foundation for self-discovery and evolution because I ultimately lost interest in curing my endless list of problems. I wasn’t sure if there was a cure for ordinary run of the mill neurosis, of “not enoughness.” I traveled to India and beyond in search of sacred teachings that promised emancipation from the fears and inadequacies of my ego. Through meditative practices, I afforded myself the relief of relaxing into the seemingly infinite, ever present consciousness within that I had been seeking all of my life. Up until then, I could not access it because I was, as the song goes, “looking for love in all the wrong places.” I first became intimately aware of the negative voice inside my head that told me hurtful and even vicious things in an attempt to get me to behave “correctly” during meditation practice. I was humbled to discover that most of my suffering, although I certainly didn’t do it on purpose, had been self-imposed. Although I was not a victim of my past or my parents anymore, I had become a victim of my own self-judgment. Immense compassion arose for the parts of my self that I had once so mercilessly judged. A deep relaxation began to emerge as my fears metamorphosized into a newfound sense of peace. It was finally, for the first time in conscious memory, safe and comfortable to be me.

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Sunny Massad, Ph.D. has been a certified hypnotherapist for twenty years and a meditator for thirty. She has been teaching both disciplines at Kapiolani Women's Center since 1999. If you have already taken the class and wish to take it again as a refresher, all are welcome.